You might want to sit down for this one: I’m a half-Palestinian lesbian freelance writer in the U.S., and I’ve decided to pivot—hard—into Republican politics. That’s right. I’m swapping the keyboard for the campaign trail, and aiming straight for Congress. Welcome to America 2025, where even your wildest contradictions can be your biggest assets.
Now, before my critics pop the champagne, let me say: this isn’t a surrender, it’s a strategy. Journalism? It’s looking like a high-risk career—especially if you’re a left-leaning queer woman with too many opinions and too few billionaires backing you. Between the rise of AI and the risk of being labeled an “enemy of the people,” my future as a writer feels shakier than a Marjorie Taylor Greene press conference.
So I’m reinventing myself for the times. If reality TV stars can run the country and felons can fill Cabinet seats, why not me? I’ve carefully studied the art of surviving—nay, thriving—in the political chaos of Trump-era America. Here’s my six-step blueprint to go from outsider to insider, no principles required.
1. Step One: Buy Your Way Into Power
In this brave new world of transactional politics, everything’s up for sale—including influence. Ambassadorships, advisory roles, even foreign policy stances—you name it. The catch? I’m not a billionaire. I spent all my would-be campaign funds on oat milk lattes and overpriced therapy. But not to worry, there’s a Plan B.
2. Find a Billionaire Sponsor (and Grovel Accordingly)
When you can’t buy the power, attach yourself to someone who can. Think JD Vance, whose rise from memoirist to Vice President wouldn’t have happened without tech tycoon Peter Thiel’s wallet and blessing. If I can find a lonely libertarian plutocrat looking to invest in a “diversity hire,” I’m golden.
3. Become Famous for Something—Anything
If billionaires aren’t biting, it’s time to go viral. Politics is just content creation now, anyway. Whether it’s wearing gym shorts in the Senate or spreading wild conspiracies about weather lasers, notoriety is currency. I’m already queer and opinionated—leaning into chaos shouldn’t be hard.
4. Learn to Love “A1” Technology
AI—or, as some officials are calling it, “A1”—is the future. At a recent education panel, a Trump-appointed former wrestling exec earnestly praised the potential of “A1” to revolutionize learning. The bar is on the floor. I plan to ride the wave of artificial intelligence—or condiment confusion—straight into the GOP’s good graces.
5. Overshare Like a Pro
Transparency is the new secrecy. If you’re plotting a coup or rewriting immigration policy, make sure to loop in your group chats, extended family, and that guy you met at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Apparently, this is how grown-up government works now. I’m ready with my Signal app and hot takes.
6. Get Rich, Stay Elected
Once elected, forget governing—it’s all about the stock tips and viral rants. Cancel town halls, ghost your constituents, and post TikToks from Target. The goal isn’t to serve; it’s to build your brand. Remember: in Trump’s America, public service is just influencer marketing with worse lighting.
